Funeral Planning
(and Considerations for Handling the
Death of Loved Ones)
Because many people have questions related to funerals and how to bury their loved ones, and because they may also want to "pre-plan" the handling of their own funeral and burial, this composite of information is being furnished to address some of these issues.
One of the main considerations of death and related issues revolves around the spiritual beliefs and religious practices that individuals often want included (and specific methods followed) in the funeral and burial of their loved ones as well as for their own bodies.
The information in the following pages will exhibit specific preferences prescribed by the Jewish Community. It is also a fact that many Messianic (Torah Observant) believers (whether of Jewish heritage or non-Jewish extraction) prefer similar funeral and burial examples as the Jewish Community uses... although, it is not likely that all their customs will apply to non-Jewish persons.
This information set is NOT a "recommended" procedure; rather it is an effort to be informative, and to hopefully supply sufficient information to help interested parties find foundational references for a particularly complex subject... especially where divided opinions and strong feelings prevail in and among many family members... which in itself can be quite a difficult bridge to cross. For that purpose it would be best to have a written statement that explains the preferred handling of one's funeral/burial and make sure it is given to the closest family members prior to one becoming incapacitated so that if any questions exist, you can address their concerns personally. Hopefully, this will avoid conflicts among siblings or other close family members at a sensitive time.
It is also important to know that the emotional and distractive impact of a sudden death (or even an anticipated death due to illness) can confuse and debilitate the rational thinking process of those having to make funeral and burial decisions... funeral and burial decisions normally need to be made fairly soon after a death; and if the typical Jewish Community practices are desired to be used (which many Messianic believers consider important) then some foreknowledge of these issues are necessary... which is the basic purpose of this information set. It includes dealing with both the Funeral Home and the Cemetery in a timely fashion.
The included materials refer to a number of topics and quite
likely, there will be some topics that will not be of interest, while other
topics will speak more specifically to the main interest most people need to
consider... that is if they intend to consider using some of the Jewish
Customs. The materials explain a typical funeral service and program (example
funeral sermon), customary burial preparation, timeliness of the burial after
death, and etc. There is also a section on local (
Messianic Community -
Funeral Service
Source: www.ctomc.ca/funeral.html (CTOMC Website: Coalition of Torah Observant Messianic Congregations)
Despite our sadness today, we have this promise in Romans 8: 11, which provide us with tremendous hope: "But if the Spirit of Him who raised Yeshua from the dead dwells in you. He who raised Messiah Yeshua from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who in dwells you."
O yes, Death is our primary enemy, but in 1 Corinthians 15: 24, we see that Yeshua will ultimately defeat it: "The last enemy that will be abolished is death.” In (1Cor. 15) verses 51 - 57 we read: "Behold I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall be changed, in a moment, in a twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory." "O, Death where is your Victory? O Death where is your Sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law, but thanks be to Elohim, who gives us the victory through our Master Yeshua Messiah."
In Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 2 we read that: "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven - a time to give birth and a time to die." Our Father is showing in everything, but Himself that there is a time to begin and a time to end. We are given a period of time to experience life and to build our character to conform to that of our Creator. When we get immersed into the saving Name of Yeshua our Messiah, during our live on earth, we get given a portion of G-d's Set-apart Spirit, to guide us into all truth. At the time of our death, we know that our temporary dwelling, our bodies and souls die and perish and that is why we need to be buried, so that the dust, from which our bodies are made, will return to dust. However, we also know that according to Ecclesiastes 12: 7, at death when the dust returns to the earth, our spirits will return to the Most High, who gave it.
When we die, our bodies deteriorate where there is silence as per Psalm 115: 17 "The dead praise not ADONAI, nor do any who go down into silence." However, our spirits goes to heaven and is alive, where our Creator perfects it. We read in John 11: 23 - 26 that Yeshua said to her (Martha) "Your brother shall rise again." Martha said to Him "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection the last day." Yeshua said to her "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me shall live even if he dies and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?" A second witness to this is found in John 6: 47, where Yeshua says: “Truly, Truly, I say to you, he who believes has eternal life."
In 2 Corinthians 5:1-8 and 21we read: "For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house (physical body) is torn down, we have a building from Elohim, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven; inasmuch as we, having put it on, shall not be found naked. For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed, but to be clothed, in order that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.
Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is Elohim, who gave to us the Ruach (or Spirit) as a pledge. Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body, we are absent from HASHEM - for we walk by faith, not by sight - we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Most High." Continuing with verse 21: "He (YHWH) made Him (Yeshua) who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf that we might become the righteousness of G-d in Him."
My brethren we see in Psalm 116: 15 "Precious in the sight of the Most High is the death of His saints." In Ecclesiastes 7: 1&2 we read: “A good name is better than precious ointment: and the day of death, than the day of birth. It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all men, and the living will lay it to heart." According to Ezekiel 18: 32 "For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies." Declares ADONAI tz‘vaot. "Therefore repent and live."
In 1 Corinthians 15: 35 we read: "But someone will say: `How are the dead raised? And with what kind of body do they come?" We read the answer in verses 42 - 44: "So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown a perishable body, it is raised an imperishable body; it is sown in dishonour, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body."
We know that there is life after death. Job asks in Job 14: 14 & 15: "If a man dies will he live again? All the days of my struggle I will wait, until my change comes. Thou wilt call and I will answer Thee." In 1 Corinthians 15: 20 -23 we read: "But now Messiah has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who are asleep. For since by a man came death, by a man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Messiah all shall be made alive. But each in his own order: Messiah the first fruits, after that those who are Messiah's at His coming."
Why must we die?
The Most High created human beings in His image using physical matter, with the mind power to think and plan and create. He created mankind with free moral agency to decide between good and evil. They (Adam and Eve) had to prove through their lives that they would follow G-d's way of life and develop G-d's perfect character. However, we know that Adam and Eve did sin - induced by the lies and temptation of Satan. Since then all humankind have sinned and fall short of G-d's glory. Death spread to all humankind through the sins of our forefathers. The Most High has allowed all of mankind to be led into sin by Satan, thus allowing us to see for ourselves where sin leads us. We see in the first part of Romans 6: 23 that the wages of sin is death. So as opposed to Satan's lie that after disobeying G-d our forefathers would not die, death was introduced.
In James 1: 15 we read: "Then when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin: and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death."
We all die physically, but will live eternally in the spirit. We read about this in 1 Peter 3:18: "For Messiah also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, in order that He might bring us to Elohim, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit.”
As we have seen before, whilst our spirits go back to the Father, to be perfected in heaven by Him, our bodies and souls are buried, and sleep in the grave. In John 5: 25 - 29 we read: "Truly, truly, I say to you an hour is coming and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of G-d; and those who hear shall live. For just as the Father has life in Himself, even so He gave to the Son also to have life in Himself; and He gave Him authority to execute judgment, because He is the Son of Man. Do not marvel at this; for an hour is coming, in which all who are in their tombs shall hear His voice and shall come forth; those who did the good deeds to a resurrection of life."
We know that according to Revelation 20: verse 4 - 6 that there are two resurrections: "And I saw thrones, and they sat upon them, and judgment was given to them. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of the testimony of Yeshua and because of the word of Elohim, and those who had not worshipped the beast or his image, and had not received the mark upon their hand; and they came to life and reigned with Messiah for a thousand years The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were completed. This is the first resurrection. Blessed and set apart is the one who has a part in the first resurrection; over these the second death has no power, but they will be priests of Elohim and of Messiah and will reign with Him for a thousand years."
Whilst ___________________ was alive he/she walked worthy of the calling of Messiah (Ephesians 4: 1). He/she committed his/her life to the Most High and was immersed into the saving Name of Yeshua our Messiah. We know that even though he/she like all of us sinned daily, that because of his/her acceptance of Yeshua our Messiah's death in our stead, upon his/her immersion, and because of his/her ongoing repentance, that he/she will also be resurrected one day. Yeshua has through His resurrection, shown us that we would be resurrected like Him. When Yeshua returns, at the last trumpet, the dead will be raised imperishable. This is recorded for us in 1Thessalonians 4: 16 & 17 as follows: "For the Master Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of Elohim; and the dead in Messiah shall rise first, Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Master in the air."
The dead will be raised and their resurrected bodies will be
joined to their spirits from heaven, which Yeshua will bring back to earth, at
His return. We who are alive at that time, will be changed into spiritual
bodies, so that we together with our resurrected brethren, will reign with
Yeshua from
So according to Psalm 3: 5, which states: "Into Thy hand I commit my spirit; thou hast redeemed me, O L-rd G-d of truth." It is fitting at this point that we commit ______________'s spirit into G-d's hand. ADONAI redeemed ______________from Eternal Death and we asked that as we read in Romans 8: 11 at the beginning of this service that the Spirit of Him who raised Yeshua from the dead, who we know dwelled in __________________, whilst he/she was alive, will also raise him/her from the dead when He returns. We also ask that our Father will be with ______________'s wife/husband and children and comfort them at this time of their mourning and loss of their spouse and parent.
Father we give thanks for the life that you have given us and pray for your protection of the family and friends of your beloved servant. We ask this in and through the authority and saving Name of Yeshua our Messiah. Amein.
Messianic Funeral
Customs
Resolving the religious conflicts as peaceably as possible is essential. There are numerous resources on the web to draw on. We asked that the body not be embalmed--permitted almost everywhere as there is no health benefit, but risk to the public from embalming; and it slows the process of the corpse/mace from returning to dust. Yosef was penalized for embalming Ya'akov. And the casket is to be a Kosher wood casket w/o nails, so the casket does not slow the process of the mace returning to dust. The casket is not to be left unattended above ground and await burial. We asked, and the funeral home obliged our request to lower the casket while we were present and everyone participated in filling in the grave--it is the last act of tzadakah we can show the departed which they cannot repay. There is no "open-casket" service. If it is a male the corners of his tallit are cut off, with tzitzit affixed--my friend's were given to his sons and daughter.
If possible, the mace is cleansed, and dressed in a white kittel or a plain light colored garment--no fancy suit and tie, or flashy attire, or dress, no jewelry--naked we came into the world naked we will go out.
The mace is placed in the casket to be buried, preferably within 24 hours of death.
It is customary for family members to forgive and request forgiveness of the deceased. This is done individually in front of the closed casket beginning with the men, followed by the women. Other relatives and friends may do the same following the service.
At this point memorial remarks may be delivered. All may be seated.
Certain Psalms are recited in
the presence of the deceased.
Mourners Kaddish is recited.
Family and friends gather to
lower and bury the casket.
Post Burial Rituals -- many
place stones on the grave as a memorial of forgiveness between the living and
the departed.
The theme changes from caring
for the departed to comforting the bereaved.
May the Ruach ELohim guide
and comfort you and the family and friends of the deceased.
May the Ruach ELohim guide
and comfort you and the bereaved...
The Funeral, or Levaya
A Jewish funeral is held as quickly as possible after death and usually includes readings, a eulogy, and a special memorial prayer.
By Dr. Ron Wolfson
Reprinted with permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish Lights).
The Hebrew word for funeral is levaya--[honoring the deceased by] "accompanying" [his/her bier to the grave]. Jewish tradition places a great value on the interactive nature of burying the dead. The rabbi doesn't bury the dead. Neither does the cemetery worker. Rather, the bereaved family, assisted by the community, is responsible for this most important mitzvah [commandment] of bringing the dead to the final resting place.
When Is the Funeral
Held?
The burial should take place as soon as possible. The biblical injunction is to bury on the same day as the death. The rabbis of the Talmud considered a speedy burial to be among the most important ways to honor the deceased. They believed that final atonement depended in part on the body returning to the dust of the earth and did not want the process delayed. By the time of the Middle Ages, since embalming was forbidden, it became a matter of hygiene and public safety that the body be buried expeditiously.
Yet, today it is difficult to hold a funeral on the day of the death itself. Proper preparation for burial and the need to notify the community require the funeral be held the day after death at the earliest. In addition, further delays are allowed in the following special cases:
1. When close relatives must travel long distances to attend the funeral. As the Jewish community has become more and more mobile, families have scattered all over the continent, indeed the globe. Even though airplanes can bring together families in a matter of hours, the funeral may have to be delayed a day or two to allow for such travel.
2. When Shabbat [Sabbath], the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and the yom tov [holiday] days of the pilgrimage festivals of Sukkot, Passover, and Shavuot occur.
3. When a suitable casket or shrouds are not available.
4. When civil authorities require unavoidable postmortems, documentation, etc.
Funerals are almost always held in daylight hours (although
in
Where Is the Funeral
Held?
The place of the funeral varies according to the custom of the local community. Here are the options:
1. The home. It is possible to have the service in a home, but very few people do this today.
2. A funeral home. Many communities have a Jewish funeral home that houses the mortuary and a chapel for services.
3. A synagogue. In some communities, the service begins in the synagogue sanctuary or chapel, and then proceeds to the cemetery. However, some congregations do not allow these services in the sanctuary, unless the deceased is an outstanding member of the community.
4. The cemetery. In the larger Jewish communities, the cemetery will usually have a chapel for services on site.
5. At graveside. In some ways the simplest of alternatives, it is absolutely appropriate to conduct the entire service at graveside. Of course, season and likely weather should be taken into consideration when choosing this option. Often, the cemetery will have some tenting for the immediate family, but usually not enough for the entire funeral party.
Is There a Standard
Funeral?
Surprisingly, the answer is "No." There is not a single standard for the service, although there are the following basic components:
1.
Psalms 15, 24, 90, and 103 are also often recited. At the funeral of a woman, the Eishet Chayil [Woman of Valor] (Proverbs 31) is sometimes included. These readings offer comfort and reflection about the deceased and the survivors.
2. The eulogy. The eulogy (hesped) is designed to recall the life, characteristics, and accomplishments of the deceased. Most often, it is offered by a rabbi who has been furnished information about the deceased in an earlier meeting with the bereaved. This is seen as a sign of respect and an honor to the deceased and the family. Yet, increasingly, members of the family request the opportunity to speak about the life of the departed. These personal eulogies are often delivered with great emotion and with a degree of insight that is difficult for a third party to achieve. In every case we know of, a eulogy offered by an adult child for a parent, or a brother for a sister, or even a grandchild for a grandparent has been a source of great comfort and honor for the mourners and a tremendously moving experience for the listeners. Some rabbis will welcome this contribution to the funeral (as long as not too many people want to speak), while others would prefer that personal eulogies be given at a shiva minyan [a home prayer service where mourners are able to say Kaddish, the memorial prayer].
3. The memorial prayer--El Male Rachamim [God, full of mercy]. Among the most well known prayers in Jewish liturgy, the El Male asks God to grant perfect peace to the departed and to remember the many righteous deeds s/he performed. "May this soul be bound up in the bond of life (b'tzror hachayim) and may s/he rest in peace." The cantor normally chants this memorial prayer in a plaintive, mournful voice.
Moving to the Grave
Site
Generally, this concludes the formal service held in a synagogue or chapel and the funeral party moves to the grave site.
It is a great honor to be named a pallbearer. Generally, the honor is offered to close relatives and friends. The coffin is actually carried by hand or guided on a special gurney to the grave site by the pallbearers who, traditionally, pause several (usually three or seven) times before reaching the grave. This indicates our unwillingness to finally take leave of the loved one. The rabbi or cantor recites verses from Psalm 91 expressing confidence that God watches over us at each of these stops. It is considered an important responsibility of the community to follow the casket for at least a few steps on the way to the grave.
At the grave site, the final steps of the funeral ritual are performed. The mourners take their places by sitting in a row of chairs placed before the grave. If kriah, the rending of garments, has not taken place before the earlier service, the mourners stand and it is now done by the rabbi. The cantor may chant another psalm, and the rabbi often offers another reading from Psalm 91. Then, in traditional burial, the casket is lowered by hand or mechanical device, and the rabbi says in Hebrew, "May s/he go to her or his resting place in peace." Some rabbis will also say the traditional prayer Tzidduk Hadin, justification of the divine decree, which acknowledges acceptance of the inevitability of death.
The climax of the service is when the mourners are asked to rise and recite the Mourner's Kaddish (sometimes a [modified] version… is said), the ancient prayer which reaffirms our belief in the greatness of God. Then, mourners and those in attendance are invited to fill the grave with earth. Since this practice is not universally observed, the rabbi usually explains what is about to happen and the reasons why the community fulfills this ultimate mitzvah of burying the dead.
When the mourners are ready to leave the cemetery, two
parallel rows are formed by the participants, creating an aisle for the
bereaved to pass through on their way from the grave site. As the mourners walk
through this corridor of consolation, the community offers the traditional
prayer of condolence, "HaMakom y'nachem etkhem b'tokh sh'ar aveilei Tzion
v'Yrushalayim"--"May God comfort you among all the mourners of
Two customs associated with filling the grave are 1) to use the convex side of the shovel and 2) not to pass the shovel hand to hand, but to replace it in the earth for the next participant, "lest death be contagious."
Another interesting custom is to ask the deceased for forgiveness for any hurt one might have caused her/him. Some also pluck grass from the ground, which they throw behind them as a sign of their renewed awareness of human mortality.
Part 2:
Hevra Kaddisha, or Burial Society
The hevra kaddisha is a group of committed Jews who prepare the body for burial.
By Rabbi Joseph Telushkin
Reprinted with permission from Jewish Literacy (HarperCollins Publishers).
After a Jew dies, a burial society, known in Aramaic as the hevra kaddisha (literally, "holy society") prepares the body for interment. This process, called tahara (purification), involves the ritual cleaning of the corpse, by men for males and by women for females.
Jewish tradition regards it as exceptionally meritorious to join a hevra kaddisha, particularly because so many people are reluctant to do so. Although few Jews, particularly outside the Orthodox community, are even aware of hevra kaddisha societies, they exist in virtually every Jewish community.
It is traditional for members of a hevra kaddisha to fast on the seventh of Adar, the anniversary of Moses' death, to atone for any disrespect they may have shown to the dead. The night after the fast, they hold a joyous banquet, celebrating their honored position in Jewish life.
A moving description of the work of a hevra kaddisha was given by Professor Jacob Neusner concerning the death of his father-in-law, who died while on a trip to Jerusalem: "Those beautiful Jews," Neusner wrote of Jerusalem's hevra kaddisha, "showed me more of what it means to be a Jew, of what Torah stands for, than all the books I ever read. They tended the corpse gently and reverently, yet did not pretend it was other than a corpse."
At the conclusion of the burial, the head of the hevra kaddisha said, "in a loud voice, that the dead should hear, and the living: 'Mordecai ben Menahem, all that we have done is for your honor. And if we have not done our task properly, we beg your forgiveness.'"
Part 3:
El Maleh Rahamim
A prayer of remembrance.
By Ronald L. Eisenberg
Reprinted with permission from The JPS Guide to Jewish Traditions, published by the Jewish Publication Society.
El Maleh Rahamim (God full of compassion) is a prayer for the departed that is recited with a haunting chant at funeral services, on visiting the graves of relatives (especially during the month of Elul), and after having been called up to the reading of the Torah on the anniversary of the death of a close relative.
What is it and where
does it come from?
In some Ashkenazic synagogues, El Maleh Rahamim is also a
part of the Yizkor memorial service on Yom Kippur and on the last days of the
three pilgrimage festivals (Passover, Shavuot, Sukkot). The prayer originated
in the Jewish communities of Western and
If one or both parents of either a bride or groom is dead, it is customary to visit the grave before the wedding and to recite El Maleh Rahamim. At one time this memorial prayer was recited during the wedding service under the huppah. Although a dramatic and effective way to remember the deceased, this practice marred the joy of the wedding.
Consequently, the fashion has changed and the memorial prayer is now usually recited (if at all) before the wedding ceremony in the presence of the immediate family, usually in the rabbi's study.
Soul Music
El Maleh Rahamim is a plea that the soul of the departed be
granted menuchah nechonah (proper rest), since the mere fact that a soul is in
Gan
The statement is made that the worshiper resolves to "contribute to charity in remembrance of his (or her) soul." El Maleh Rahamim includes the phrase "on the wings of the Divine Presence," rather than the more common "under the wings of the Divine Presence."
The latter phrase implies heavenly protection from danger by using the analogy of a bird spreading its protective wings over its young. The analogy is reversed when speaking of spiritual elevation--God's presence is compared to a soaring eagle that puts its young on top of its wings and carries them aloft.
Part 4:
Shiva, the First Seven Days of Mourning
Shiva is observed in the home as an intensive mourning period for close relatives.
By Rabbi Joseph Telushkin
Reprinted with permission from Jewish Literacy (HarperCollins Publishers).
After the burial, mourners return home (or, ideally, to the home of the deceased) to sit shiva for seven days. Shiva is simply the Hebrew word for seven. During the shiva week, mourners are expected to remain at home and sit on low stools. This last requirement is intended to reinforce the mourners' inner emotions. In English we speak of "feeling low," as a synonym for depression; in Jewish law, the depression is acted out literally.
There are seven relatives for whom a Jew is required to observe shiva: father or mother, sister or brother, son or daughter, and spouse.
During the shiva week, three prayer services are conducted daily at the mourners' house. The synagogue to which the mourning family belongs usually undertakes to ensure that a minyan (at least 10 adult Jews) be present at each service. Among Orthodox Jews, a male mourner leads the service and recites the Kaddish prayer for the dead. Some Orthodox, and virtually all non-Orthodox, Jews encourage women to recite the Kaddish as well.
According to Jewish law, there is a specific etiquette for paying a shiva visit. Visitors are to enter quietly, take a seat near the mourner, and say nothing until the mourner addresses them first. This has less to do with ritual than with common sense: The visitor cannot know what the mourner most needs at that moment. For example, the visitor might feel that he or she must speak about the deceased, but the mourner might feel too emotionally overwrought to do so. Conversely, the visitor might try to cheer the mourner by speaking of a sports event or some other irrelevancy at just the moment when the mourner's deepest need is to speak of the dead. And, of course, the mourner might just wish to sit quietly and say nothing at all.
Unfortunately, people frequently violate this Jewishly mandated procedure. Particularly if the deceased was very old, the atmosphere at a shiva house often becomes inappropriately lighthearted, as Jews also try to avoid confronting the fact of death.
Mourners must not shave, take a luxurious bath, wear leather shoes (which Jewish tradition regards as particularly comfortable), have sex, or launder their clothes during the week of shiva. If the family of the deceased is in desperate economic circumstances, its members are permitted to return to work after three days of mourning.
In the past, when the Jewish community was less affluent, this leniency was utilized more frequently. Solomon Luria, a great Polish rabbinical scholar of the 16th century, was asked by a melamed (a teacher who tutored young boys in Hebrew) if he might return to work before shiva was complete; otherwise he feared the parents would hire another teacher for their children. Rabbi Luria gave him permission on the grounds that his livelihood was at stake and on the further, rather pathetically humorous, grounds that since a Hebrew teacher's life is quite miserable, everyone would know he was not returning to work out of pleasure.
Part 5:
Going to a Jewish Funeral
Bad news, unfortunately, travels fast. It can be helpful to know in advance what to do when attending a Jewish funeral.
By Dr. Ron Wolfson
Reprinted with permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish Lights).
You will hear about a funeral. Bad news travels fast. And the news of a funeral travels at the speed of light. You will likely get a phone call from someone. Or in a true sign of advancing age, you may have reached that time in your life when you regularly read the obituary column in the newspaper.
Once you hear the news, here are the steps to follow in attending a funeral:
1. Decide whether you're going. Since there is often such short notice of a funeral, you may very well need to clear your calendar or make the necessary arrangements to attend the service. Most employers are understanding and will allow you time off to attend a funeral. If you have young children, you may need to arrange childcare. If you don't drive, you may need to ask someone for transportation to the funeral.
2. Dress appropriately. Proper attire for a funeral is a dress for women and a coat and tie for men. (It is generally customary for men to wear a head covering, called a kippah or yarmulke, during a funeral and burial. In some liberal congregations, this applies to both men and women; in others, head coverings are rare even for men. These will generally be available at the funeral home or cemetery.)
3. Arrive early. Funerals almost always start exactly on time. Try to arrive at the site sometime between a half-hour to a few minutes before the announced time.
4. Follow directions. A funeral director will tell you where to sit or stand for the service. S/he may give you an attendance card to fill out or ask you to sign a guest book when you enter the chapel. Write your name and, if you wish, a brief message of condolence.
5. Do not greet the mourners. With few exceptions, now is not the time to approach the mourners. They will either be in a "waiting room," seated in the front pews, or exiting from a car at graveside when the service is about to begin. As much as you want to reach out to comfort them, this is not the time. You may want them to know you are there. That's what the guest book is for, or let them know how you reacted to the eulogy when you see them during a shiva call. If you are very, very close family or friends, it may be appropriate to see the mourners before the service begins or approach them after the graveside service.
6. Talk softly. In the minutes before the service, as people come in and see friends and relatives, a low rumble of conversation develops. Often, the coffin is already in the room. Try to talk softly and appropriately. This is definitely not a time for swapping jokes or boisterous talk.
7. Participate in the service. The rabbi and/or cantor will lead the congregation in prayer during the service. Reply with "Amen" at the appropriate times. Participate in any responsive readings. [If you are not familiar with when to do so, follow the example of those around you. Those who are not Jewish should participate only as they are comfortable.] React as you may to the eulogy--it is designed to touch you emotionally. Bring a handkerchief or tissues--like weddings, it's not unusual to cry at a funeral, even if the deceased was not well-known to you.
8. Note the times and place of the shiva [the time, traditionally seven days, during which the immediate mourners remain at home, receiving visitors and observing the most intensive period of mourning] and preferred charities. The funeral director will announce the times and the address of the home where the family will receive visitors. Preferred charities for donations in memory of the deceased will also likely be announced. It's a good idea to bring a pen and a piece of paper on which to note this information.
9. Decide whether to go to the graveside. If the service has been held in a synagogue, a funeral home, or chapel on the grounds of the cemetery, there will be a processional to the grave site. If at all possible, go. It is a great comfort to the mourners to accompany them to the grave.
10. Follow directions to the cemetery. In situations when a processional is formed to go from the place of the service to the cemetery, you will be directed to join the line of cars following the hearse and the family. A sticker identifying your car as part of the funeral may be placed on the windshield and you will probably be asked to turn on your headlights. A police officer may escort the procession for traffic control; follow any directions s/he may give you.
11. Surround the family at the graveside. When you reach the cemetery, you will be directed to the graveside. There you will find a row of chairs for the mourners. Stand behind and around the graveside. When the family arrives, do not greet them. Often, this is the most difficult part of the entire experience. Let them take their places for the graveside service.
12. Participate in the ritual at graveside. Those officiating at graveside will say several prayers; respond in the appropriate places. At the end of the service, the casket may be lowered and friends invited to place dirt into the grave. Normally, the officiants begin this ritual, followed by the mourners and their family members. Then, you can take a place in line to do this most meaningful and important mitzvah. When your turn arrives, pick up a handful of dirt with your hands or with a shovel and place it into the grave. Some do this three times. Place the shovel back into the pile of dirt; do not hand it to the next person.
13. Offer your condolences. As the mourners leave the grave
site, form two rows in the crowd creating a path for their exit. As they pass,
say the ancient words of consolation,
"Ha-Makom yenahem etkhem b'tokh sha ar aveilei Tzion
vYerushalayim--may the Omnipresent comfort you among all the mourners of
14. Visit the graves of family and friends. Since you are already at the cemetery, take the opportunity to visit the graves of family members and friends. Besides being a wonderful mitzvah, this will give the mourners time to return to theshiva home before visitors arrive. It should be noted, however, that in some communities, it is emphatically not the custom to visit the graves of others when attending a funeral.
15. Wash your hands. It is customary to wash hands when leaving a cemetery. You may do this as you leave or before you enter the shiva home, or in your own home if you are not going directly from the funeral to the shiva home.
Part 6:
The Casket, or Aron
The rabbis mandated a simple wooden coffin to equalize people in death and to enable the return to dust.
By Dr. Ron Wolfson
Reprinted with permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish Lights Publishing).
Death is the great equalizer. The rabbis were quite concerned that the rituals and objects of Jewish burial indicate the fact that every human being is created equal and every human being is equal in death. This notion of democracy in death is illustrated best by the following quotation from the Talmud, Moed Katan 27 a-b:
"Formerly, they used to bring food to the house of mourning: the rich in baskets of gold and silver; the poor in baskets of willow twigs. The poor felt ashamed. Therefore, a law was established that all should use baskets of willow twigs... Formerly, they used to bring out the deceased for burial: the rich on a tall state bed, ornamented and covered with rich coverlets; the poor on a plain bier. The poor felt ashamed. Therefore, a law was established that all should be brought out on a plain bier...
"Formerly, the expense of the burial was harder to bear by the family than the death itself, so that sometimes they fled to escape the expense. This was so until Rabban Gamliel insisted that he be buried in a plain linen shroud instead of costly garments. And since then we follow the principle of burial in a simple manner."
Judaism is also concerned that the body return to the earth as soon as possible. "For you are dust, and unto dust you shall return" (Genesis 3:19). This value is reflected in the preference within Jewish law for a simple casket (aron) constructed of wood. Wood naturally decomposes while a metal casket would prevent the body from "returning" to the earth. Although metal nails and handles may theoretically be used, traditional caskets use wooden pegs, the interior is unlined, and some have four holes in the bottom that allow the body to come into contact with the earth.
The type of wood used in the casket is not important. In some areas, a "plain pine box" is used; in others, a redwood casket is common. The wood may be polished or natural. Sometimes, a wooden Magen David (Star of David) is attached to the top of the coffin.
The choice of coffin is often a task that causes emotional reaction among the bereaved. Most large funeral homes have a "casket room," a display area filled with the variety of available coffins. For many, walking into this room brings the bereaved into stark confrontation with the reality of death facing them. For some, it can be a terribly disconcerting experience. For others, it brings a sense of peace and relief. Whatever the reaction, it is a task that must be done.
Rabbinic authorities recommend the selection of the simplest of caskets, both to reflect the value of democracy in death and to avoid unnecessary expense. The range in cost of caskets is extraordinary--it ranges from several hundred to thousands of dollars. It is preferable to donate monies to tzedakah [charity] rather than to spend it on lavish caskets.
Traditionally, nothing is buried with the body in the casket except for some earth from Israel, the Holy Land, and the person's tallit [prayer shawl].However, some families ask to bury small mementos, such as photos or letters, with the deceased.
Part 7:
Comforting Jewish Mourners: Nihum Avelim
Respect for the deceased, kindness and concern for those who mourn.
Nihum Avelim (comforting mourners) is considered one of the classic forms of kindness in Jewish tradition. Rabbi Hama, son of Rabbi Hanina, states in the Talmud that consoling mourners is one way for humans to fulfill the principle of "walking in God's ways," and the 12th-century sage Moses Maimonides writes that by comforting mourners, a Jew can fulfil the mitzvah (or commandment) "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". More generally, comforting mourners is a way of showing concern for those in distress, showing them that they are neither abandoned nor alone.
The mitzvah of comforting mourners begins after the burial.
In talmudic and medieval times, those attending the burial would form a line
outside the cemetery, and as the mourners would walk by this line, community
members would console them. This practice is still followed in
The most common time to console mourners is during shiv'ah ("seven"), the seven-day mourning period that follows burial. Visitors come to the "shiv'ah house," where the mourners are said to be "sitting shiv'ah." This is not a simple social visit; the aim is to show the mourner that one is concerned about his or her distress.
Concern for the mourner should be paramount. The Shulchan Arukh, the classic code of Jewish law (written by Rabbi Joseph Karo in the sixteenth century), states, "The consolers are not to speak until the mourner speaks. The mourner sits at the front of the room, and once he nods to indicate that the consolers should leave, they are not permitted to remain any longer".
One should visit the shiv'ah house of a mourner who is a friend or relative, a member of one’s community, or a mourner who has no other visitors. Ideally, one finds out during which hours the mourners want visitors, and the visitor should be careful not to tire the mourners, or engage them in small talk or conversation unrelated to their mourning.
The traditional sentences of consolation which conclude the
shiv'ah visit (and are used in the cemetery line) are "May you be
comforted from Heaven," in the Sephardic tradition, and "May God
console you together with everyone who mourns for the destruction of the
In traditional communities, daily prayer services are held at the shiv'ah house. Attending those services is a good way to show concern for the mourners, since it ensures the presence of a minyan (a quorum of ten), which is required for the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish, one of several versions of this prayer sanctifying God’s name. It also serves to slowly help connect the mourner, who often has a more introverted psychological stance that is characteristic of mourning, with a sense of community.
Another way of showing concern is bringing food to the shiv'ah house; this ensures that the mourners do not have to cook meals for themselves. The rabbis of the Talmud ordained that these meals should not be brought in ostentatious platters and baskets; the purpose of the meals is to help the mourners, not to demonstrate the comforters' wealth.
There is a custom to comfort mourners who are sitting shiv'ah during Friday night services in synagogue. The mourners remain outside while the congregation reads or sings the psalms that welcome the Sabbath (Kabbalat Shabbat). Then the mourners enter the synagogue, and the congregation greets them with the traditional sentence of consolation.
When it is not possible to visit during shiv'ah, notes of condolence are a way of expressing concern and sympathy. When meeting someone who has lost a relative during the year following the death, one should say some sentence of consolation, but not after the year has passed.
Maimonides states that comforting mourners is not only a way of showing kindness to the mourners, but also of showing respect to the deceased.
The Shulhan Arukh rules that one should also comfort non-Jewish mourners. The ways in which this should be done are obviously different, but the principle of showing concern for someone who is in distress remains constant.
Life, Death and Mourning
Source: WWW.jewfaq.org/death.htm#Care (Judaism 101 Website)
Level: Basic
• Almost any Jewish law can be broken to save a human life
• Euthanasia is prohibited, but refusing extraordinary measures is allowed
• Mourning practices show respect for the dead and comfort the living
• Jewish graves are marked with tombstones
• Tombstones are traditionally unveiled 12 months after burial
Life
In Judaism, life is valued above almost all else. The Talmud notes that all people are descended from a single person, thus taking a single life is like destroying an entire world, and saving a single life is like saving an entire world.
Of the 613 commandments, only the prohibitions against murder, idolatry, incest and adultery are so important that they cannot be violated to save a life. Judaism not only permits, but often requires a person to violate the commandments if necessary to save a life. A person who is extremely ill, for example, or a woman in labor, is not permitted to fast on Yom Kippur, because fasting at such a time would endanger the person's life. Doctors are permitted to answer emergency calls on Shabbat, even though this may violate many Shabbat prohibitions. Abortions where necessary to save the life of a mother are mandatory (the unborn are not considered human life in Jewish law, thus the mother's human life overrides).
Because life is so valuable, we are not permitted to do anything that may hasten death, not even to prevent suffering. Euthanasia, suicide and assisted suicide are strictly forbidden by Jewish law. The Talmud states that you may not even move a dying person's arms if that would shorten his life.
However, where death is imminent and certain, and the patient is suffering, Jewish law does permit one to cease artificially prolonging life. Thus, in certain circumstances, Jewish law permits "pulling the plug" or refusing extraordinary means of prolonging life.
Death
In Judaism, death is not a tragedy, even when it occurs early in life or through unfortunate circumstances. Death is a natural process. Our deaths, like our lives, have meaning and are all part of G-d's plan. In addition, we have a firm belief in an afterlife, a world to come, where those who have lived a worthy life will be rewarded.
Mourning practices in Judaism are extensive, but they are not an expression of fear or distaste for death. Jewish practices relating to death and mourning have two purposes: to show respect for the dead (kavod ha-met), and to comfort the living (nihum avelim), who will miss the deceased.
Care for the Dead
After a person dies, the eyes are closed, the body is laid on the floor and covered, and candles are lit next to the body. The body is never left alone until after burial, as a sign of respect. The people who sit with the dead body are called shomerim, from the root Shin-Mem-Reish, meaning "guards" or "keepers".
Respect for the dead body is a matter of paramount importance. For example, the shomerim may not eat, drink, or perform a commandment in the presence of the dead. To do so would be considered mocking the dead, because the dead can no longer do these things.
Most communities have an organization to care for the dead, known as the chevra kaddisha (the holy society). These people are volunteers. Their work is considered extremely meritorious, because they are performing a service for someone who can never repay them.
Autopsies in general are discouraged as desecration of the body. They are permitted, however, where it may save a life or where local law requires it. When autopsies must be performed, they should be minimally intrusive.
The presence of a dead body is considered a source of ritual impurity. For this reason, a kohein may not be in the presence of a corpse. People who have been in the presence of a body wash their hands before entering a home. This is done to symbolically remove spiritual impurity, not physical uncleanness: it applies regardless of whether you have physically touched the body.
In preparation for the burial, the body is thoroughly cleaned and wrapped in a simple, plain linen shroud. The Sages decreed that both the dress of the body and the coffin should be simple, so that a poor person would not receive less honor in death than a rich person. The body is wrapped in a tallit with its tzitzit rendered invalid. The body is not embalmed, and no organs or fluids may be removed. According to some sources, organ donation is permitted, because the subsequent burial of the donee will satisfy the requirement of burying the entire body.
The body must not be cremated. It must be buried in the earth. Coffins are not required, but if they are used, they must have holes drilled in them so the body comes in contact with the earth.
The body is never displayed at funerals; open casket ceremonies are forbidden by Jewish law. According to Jewish law, exposing a body is considered disrespectful, because it allows not only friends, but also enemies to view the dead, mocking their helpless state.
Mourning
Jewish mourning practices can be broken into several periods of decreasing intensity. These mourning periods allow the full expression of grief, while discouraging excesses of grief and allowing the mourner to gradually return to a normal life.
When a close relative (parent, sibling, spouse or child) first hears of the death of a relative, it is traditional to express the initial grief by tearing one's clothing. The tear is made over the heart if the deceased is a parent, or over the right side of the chest for other relatives. This tearing of the clothing is referred to as keriyah (lit. "tearing"). The mourner recites the blessing describing G-d as "the true Judge," an acceptance of G-d's taking of the life of a relative.
From the time of death to the burial, the mourner's sole responsibility is caring for the deceased and preparing for the burial. This period is known as aninut. During this time, the mourners are exempt from all positive commandments ("thou shalts"), because the preparations take first priority. This period usually lasts a day or two; Judaism requires prompt burial.
During this aninut period, the family should be left alone and allowed the full expression of grief. Condolence calls or visits should not be made during this time.
After the burial, a close relative, near neighbor or friend prepares the first meal for the mourners, the se'udat havra'ah (meal of condolence). This meal traditionally consists of eggs (a symbol of life) and bread. The meal is for the family only, not for visitors. After this time, condolence calls are permitted.
The next period of mourning is known as shiva (seven, because it lasts seven days). Shiva is observed by parents, children, spouses and siblings of the deceased, preferably all together in the deceased's home. Shiva begins on the day of burial and continues until the morning of the seventh day after burial. Mourners sit on low stools or the floor instead of chairs, do not wear leather shoes, do not shave or cut their hair, do not wear cosmetics, do not work, and do not do things for comfort or pleasure, such as bathe, have sex, put on fresh clothing, or study Torah (except Torah related to mourning and grief). Mourners wear the clothes that they tore at the time of learning of the death or at the funeral. Mirrors in the house are covered. Prayer services are held where the shiva is held, with friends, neighbors and relatives making up the minyan (10 people required for certain prayers).
If a festival occurs during the mourning period, the mourning is terminated, but if the burial occurs during a festival, the mourning is delayed until after the festival. The Shabbat that occurs during the shiva period counts toward the seven days of shiva, and does not end the mourning period. Public mourning practices (such as wearing the torn clothes, not wearing shoes) are suspended during this period, but private mourning continues.
The next period of mourning is known as shloshim (thirty, because it lasts until the 30th day after burial). During that period, the mourners do not attend parties or celebrations, do not shave or cut their hair, and do not listen to music.
The final period of formal mourning is avelut, which is observed only for a parent. This period lasts for twelve months after the burial. During that time, mourners avoid parties, celebrations, theater and concerts. For eleven months of that period, starting at the time of burial, the son of the deceased recites the mourner's Kaddish every day.
After the avelut period is complete, the family of the deceased is not permitted to continue formal mourning; however, there are a few continuing acknowledgments of the decedent. Every year, on the anniversary of the death, family members observe the deceased's Yahrzeit (Yiddish, lit. "anniversary"). On the Yahrzeit, sons recite Kaddish and take an aliyah (bless the Torah reading) in synagogue if possible, and all mourners light a candle in honor of the decedent that burns for 24 hours. In addition, during services on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, the last day of Passover, and Shavu'ot, after the haftarah reading in synagogue, close relatives recite the mourner's prayer, Yizkor ("May He remember...") in synagogue. Yahrzeit candles are also lit on those days.
When visiting a mourner, a guest should not try to express grief with standard, shallow platitudes. The guest should allow the mourner to initiate conversations. One should not divert the conversation from talking about the deceased; to do so would limit the mourner's ability to fully express grief, which is the purpose of the mourning period. On the contrary, the caller should encourage conversation about the deceased.
When leaving a house
of mourning, it is traditional for the guest to say, "May the Lord comfort
you with all the mourners of
Kaddish
Kaddish is commonly known as a mourner's prayer, but in fact, variations on the Kaddish prayer are routinely recited at many other times, and the prayer itself has nothing to do with death or mourning. The prayer begins "May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified in the world that He created as He willed. May He give reign to His kingship in your lifetimes and in your days ..." and continues in much that vein. The real mourner's prayer is El Molai Rachamim, which is recited at grave sites and during funerals.
Why, then, is Kaddish recited by mourners?
After a great loss like the death of a parent, you might expect a person to lose faith in G-d, or to cry out against G-d's injustice. Instead, Judaism requires a mourner to stand up every day, publicly (i.e., in front of a minyan, a quorum of 10 adult men), and reaffirm faith in G-d despite this loss. To do so inures to the merit of the deceased in the eyes of G-d, because the deceased must have been a very good parent to raise a child who could express such faith in the face of personal loss.
Then why is Kaddish recited for only 11 months, when the mourning period is 12 months? According to Jewish tradition, the soul must spend some time purifying itself before it can enter the World to Come. The maximum time required for purification is 12 months, for the most evil person. To recite Kaddish for 12 months would imply that the parent was the type who needed 12 months of purification! To avoid this implication, the Sages decreed that a son should recite Kaddish for only eleven months.
A person is permitted to recite Kaddish for other close relatives as well as parents, but only if his parents are dead.
See Mourners' Kaddish for the full text of the Mourners' Kaddish.
Tombstones
Jewish law requires that a tombstone be prepared, so that the deceased will not be forgotten and the grave will not be desecrated. It is customary in some communities to keep the tombstone veiled, or to delay in putting it up, until the end of the 12-month mourning period. The idea underlying this custom is that the dead will not be forgotten when he is being mourned every day. In communities where this custom is observed, there is generally a formal unveiling ceremony when the tombstone is revealed.
It is also customary in some communities to place small stones on a gravesite when visiting it. This custom has become well-known from the movie Schindler's List, in which the children of Survivors place stones on the grave of Oscar Schindler. The custom is not universal, even among traditional Jews, and there seems to be some doubt as to how it originated. It seems to have superstitious origins. It's a little like leaving a calling card for the dead person, to let them know you were there. Stones, unlike flowers, are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind. Some other sources suggest that it was originally done because we are required to erect a tombstone, and tombstones that actually looked like tombstones tended to get desecrated.
What is written on a tombstone? In most cases, it is very straightforward Hebrew text, similar to what you might see on a tombstone in English. An illustration of a typical Jewish tombstone is shown above.
At the top is the abbreviation Pei-Nun, which stands for either "poh nitman" or "poh nikbar", which means "here lies..." The marks that look like quotation marks are commonly used to indicate an abbreviation or a number written in letters.
The next line is the name of the decedent, in the form (decedent's name), son of or daughter of [father's name]. "Son of" is either ben (Beit-Final Nun) or bar (Beit-Reish). "Daughter of" is bat (Beit-Tav). The tombstone above says "Esther bat Mordecai" (Elsie, daughter of Morrice). Sometimes, one or both of the names is preceded by the letter Reish, which simply stands for "Reb" and means "Mr." The names may also be followed by the title ha-Kohein (Hei-Kaf-Hei-Final Nun), ha-Levi (Hei-Lamed-Vav-Yod) or ha-Rav (Hei-Reish-Beit), indicating that the person was a kohein, a Levite or a rabbi. See the Hebrew Alphabet page if you need help in identifying specific letters on a tombstone.
The third line indicates the date of death. This line begins with the abbreviation Nun-Pei followed by the date, the month, and the year. The date and year are written in Hebrew numerals, which are letters. The month name is sometimes preceded by a Beit (meaning "of"). The tombstone above indicates that the date of death was 18 Shevat 5761. Yod-Cheit = 10+8 = 18. Shin-Beit-Tav is the month name Shevat. Tav-Shin-Samekh-Alef = 400+300+60+1 = 761 (the 5000 is assumed). See Hebrew Alphabet -Numerical Values if you need help in identifying a number. See Jewish Calendar - Months of the Jewish Year if you need help identifying months. See Jewish Calendar - Links to Jewish Calendars if you need help converting a Hebrew date to a Gregorian date.
The last line is an abbreviation that stands for "tehe nishmatah tzerurah bitzror hachayim," which means "may her soul be bound in the bond of eternal life."
You may also find Jewish symbols on a tombstone, such as a menorah, a magen David, a torah scroll, a lion, or the two tablets of the ten commandments. Most of these symbols don't tell you anything about the decedent (other than the fact that he or she was Jewish). However, if you see a picture of hands in a position like the one at right, this normally indicates that the decedent was a kohein, because this hand position is used when the kohanim bless the congregation at certain times of the year.
Recommended
The definitive book on Jewish mourning
practices is Maurice Lamm's The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning. This book is
available through most commercial bookstores, or click the link above to buy it
online from amazon.com.
© Copyright 5756-5771
(1996-2011), Tracey R Rich
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Funeral Homes and Cemeteries in Greater
John,
I understand that State law does not require a vault for burial but do the cemeteries require it? They all said yes they do require it because in time the coffin would deteriorate and the ground would sink and they will not allow that.
Saturday or Sunday burial could present a problem if you want a 24 hour burial in that the prices are somewhat prohibitive. Otherwise storing the body for three or four days without embalming fluid is not a problem because of the availability of refrigeration. Normally, as far as a 24 hour burial in concerned it would be a go, unless something occurred that would cause a delay in issuing permits. Things such as a possible homicide may be a determinate for holding up a burial.
Costs and arrangements are personal in nature and should be handled by the family of the deceased.
Frank
The Funeral
Homes addresses and phone numbers are shown below as well as the three
cemeteries that I called.
Fitzgerald Funeral Home or Fitzgerald Funeral Home
815-654-2484 815-226-2273
www.fitzgeraldfh.com www.fitzgeraldfh.com
Fred C. Olson Funeral Home or Fred C. Olson Funeral Home
815-963-6521 815-963-6521
Also have
Sycamore,
Honquest Funeral Home or Honquest Funeral Home
815-636-5100 815-623-7553
www.honquestfh.com www.honquestfh.com
Sundberg Funeral Home
815-962-7743
Continued....
Rockford
Illinois Cemeteries
815-399-5011
www.arlingtonmemorialcemetery.com
815-962-7522
815-965-1111
For additional choices of funeral homes or cemeteries please refer to the “Yellow Pages.”
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